MICHAEL ATCHISON

Advice for the Lovelorn

Michael Atchison

In this edition, we explore the place where matters of the heart meet matters of the hardwood, the sometimes troubling crossroads of love and basketball.

Dear Dr. Love:

I’m in love with Rickey Paulding’s game, but I feel betrayed by his shooting over the last two weeks. It’s almost as if Rickey’s game doesn’t love me back, like his shot has abandoned me, not just him. Is there hope for us?

Feeling Jilted in Jeff City

Dear Feeling Jilted:

Fret not, tender heart. It’s not you. It’s him. And he’s about to get help. Besides recovering from an ankle sprain, Rickey has tried to carry too much of the load in Missouri’s last two games, the win at Indiana and the overtime loss against Gonzaga. In each of those games, Jimmy McKinney spent time on the bench with foul trouble and then played tentatively on the offensive end. When McKinney doesn’t go hard toward the basket, all of the pressure to create from the perimeter falls on Paulding, and sometimes – because he cares – he tries to do too much. Luckily, help is on the way. Jason Conley and Randy Pulley will be in uniform for the Tigers’ next game. Conley will take much of the perimeter scoring burden off of Paulding, and Pulley is a guard who moves forward and creates good opportunities for others. With a support system like that in place, Rickey’s shooting percentage is bound to rise to a place where you can both be happy in the relationship.

Dear Dr. Love:

My girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch. We’ve been dating for 18 months and she wants to get married now, but I don’t. She says that I’m afraid of commitment, and that Dan Pippin was the greatest Tiger basketball player of the 1940’s. I say that we should finish our graduate school programs before getting hitched, and that Thornton Jenkins ruled the World War II era. I really love her and I want to work this out, but I don’t know how. Can you please help?

Confounded in Columbia

Dear Confounded:

First, let’s deal with the important stuff, which will illustrate something critical about relationships. Sometimes, people can disagree without either of them being wrong. When it comes to the 1940’s, you’re both right. Pippin and Jenkins were sublime players whose careers intertwined and intersected over a seven year span that was interrupted by war. As a freshman in 1942-43, Jenkins made the All-Big Six team and finished second in the league’s scoring race before going off to war. The next season, Pippin – all of 17 years old – earned all-conference honors himself while leading the Tigers to the NCAA Tournament. Despite standing just 6’1”, Pippin flourished at center due to some supernatural leaping ability. After that first season, military duty called Pippin as well. Jenkins returned in time for the 1945-46 season, Pippin returned the year after, and the two of them played side-by-side for two seasons. Each earned another berth on the all-conference squad, and they finished their careers as the top scorers in the early history of Missouri basketball. Both went on to successful AAU playing careers, and Pippin won gold with the 1952 U.S. Olympic basketball team. Suffice it to say that Jenkins and Pippin were the two greatest Tigers of the 1940’s, and there’s no reason for your relationship to suffer by debating who was better.

As for the question of when to get married, I think couples should always have a good sense of what marriage is like before actually tying the knot. Accordingly, I’d suggest that you cave in and do what she wants, because that’s pretty much how it will go once you walk down the aisle. I hope that helps.

Dear Dr. Love:

We’ve tried Courvoisier. We’ve tried Barry White albums. We’ve tried herbal elixirs. But we still score less than the nerd brigade from the Tri-Lam house. What are we doing wrong?

The Texas Tech Red Raiders

Dear Raiders:

First of all, the game is about winning, not scoring, and you’re 8-2, so I wouldn’t worry much that you’ve topped 70 points only once in your last eight games. Clearly, you’re buying into your coach’s defensive scheme, as you’ve held seven of your opponents to 62 points or less. That kind of effort can cover for a lot of shortcomings on the offensive end. Still, I understand your concern. Right now, you have just one offensive weapon, and that’s no way to win a shootout once Big 12 play starts. Andre Emmett (22.5 ppg) is putting up more than twice as many points as your second-leading scorer, Jarrius Jackson (10.5), and more than three times as many as Devonne Giles (6.7), who is fourth on the list. Only two of you are making more than 42% of your shots from the field, and none of you makes many three-pointers. In my view, it’s incumbent on one or more of you to step up and relieve some of Emmett’s burden. I’ll nominate your trio of junior college transfers, Giles, Mookie Works and Curtis Marshall. So far, those three are combining for just 13 points per game, which is less than Kasib Powell gave you by himself last year. Powell is gone, and you desperately need someone to fill his void. Giles is the most likely candidate, but so far he hasn’t lived up to his billing as one of the country’s top transfers. Perhaps as the season progresses and he better learns what Coach Knight expects, his numbers will improve. If not, moving into the league’s top half will be a heavy chore. Luckily for you, you’ll play a total of four games against Texas A&M and Baylor, teams that appear destined to fight for eleventh place.

Dear Dr. Love:

I’m an intelligent, well-educated, professional woman who has struck up a friendship with the sweetest man. But there’s one problem. He’s in jail. I know what you’re thinking, but if you could just talk to him, you’d see how warm and funny and sweet he can be. Sure, he has been known to lie, and, yeah, he roughed up an old girlfriend a little (sometimes we laugh about that together, the story is a real hoot), but there’s so much good in him. I know because I’ve talked to him for hours on end, despite the hundreds of dollars in phone charges. I know my husband is going to flip out when he sees the bills, and there’s even a chance that this could all jeopardize his career, but on the whole, I don’t see any problem in maintaining the relationship. Please tell me that I’m on solid ground here. Sincerely,

Center of the Storm

Dear Center:

You seem to have mistaken this column for a short fiction symposium. You’re off to a decent start, but good fiction needs to sustain the ring of truth. No reader will believe that a bright, accomplished married woman would spend hundreds of dollars maintaining a platonic relationship with a violent, deceitful inmate to the jeopardy of her husband’s career and, presumably, her relationship with him. I’d suggest starting over with a more believable premise, perhaps something involving a Yeti or a jackalope.